A friend who's read the two posts I've written so far asked if I was worried about being public with all of these thoughts -- using my real name and talking honestly about some of the concerns I've had about being so thickly in the middle of the meritocracy with my business. Maybe people would find my blog and be a little hesitant to become a customer of someone who isn't so sure he wants to be doing test prep? Or someone who has political ideas he disagrees with?
An important question.
As I walked with this friend, I answered, and my answer surprised me. I was surprised by how important it suddenly felt to be public with this writing, with my honest thoughts and feelings, and work through that with myself and with whoever reads this. I was surprised by my realization that the question and my answer implied how much we have to hide in our public personae, how many games we have to play to survive really. Trying to put honest thoughts on paper in a public way brings out our self-subterfuge. It can easily be hidden otherwise. At least by me. (I think I'm particularly good at fooling myself, but that's another story.)
My answer was that yes, I've thought about the danger here, and I'm going to do it anyway. I hope I don't lose business because I wonder out loud about my own participation in the meritocratic caste system. Because I think most of my clients and students wonder too. Most of us know there is deep unfairness in this system, but we play it, because it seems stupid not to. Most of us want policy changes to make things more equitable, but while we wait and work for those to come, we do what we need to do. For those who think that I'm just crazy to believe that college admissions should be overhauled, that higher education is not working for America as a whole, that our students suffer from the process on so many levels -- maybe reading this will give them something to chew on. I do intend to stick as closely as possible to reason and evidence, and I have to trust that even those who disagree with me will respect the arguments and questions I might propose.
But a further aspect of my answer was how liberating it feels to just be honest, and trust that, since that is just the right thing to do, it will be alright.
And the thought also occurred -- how many of us are afraid to be public about our own doubts about what we do, what systems we participate in, what choices we make that we wish we wouldn't have to make -- because if we say it too loud we risk losing something? Maybe not a job (we're not there yet), but maybe a sense of standing in our community, or circle of friends, or workplace -- just a little status, or some reputation? My hunch is this fear is more common than we think. It's Stanley Milgram of course, but writing these weekly posts has brought out to me more starkly my own subtle complicity in systems.
So, I will continue to write, even about ideas that might go against the grain even of my own livelihood, in the hopes that honesty and reasonableness are greater pursuits, and that whatever few people may think less of me because they disagree or find my writing objectionable somehow, the gain of authenticity and self-discovery that comes will outweigh those possible costs.
An important question.
As I walked with this friend, I answered, and my answer surprised me. I was surprised by how important it suddenly felt to be public with this writing, with my honest thoughts and feelings, and work through that with myself and with whoever reads this. I was surprised by my realization that the question and my answer implied how much we have to hide in our public personae, how many games we have to play to survive really. Trying to put honest thoughts on paper in a public way brings out our self-subterfuge. It can easily be hidden otherwise. At least by me. (I think I'm particularly good at fooling myself, but that's another story.)
My answer was that yes, I've thought about the danger here, and I'm going to do it anyway. I hope I don't lose business because I wonder out loud about my own participation in the meritocratic caste system. Because I think most of my clients and students wonder too. Most of us know there is deep unfairness in this system, but we play it, because it seems stupid not to. Most of us want policy changes to make things more equitable, but while we wait and work for those to come, we do what we need to do. For those who think that I'm just crazy to believe that college admissions should be overhauled, that higher education is not working for America as a whole, that our students suffer from the process on so many levels -- maybe reading this will give them something to chew on. I do intend to stick as closely as possible to reason and evidence, and I have to trust that even those who disagree with me will respect the arguments and questions I might propose.
But a further aspect of my answer was how liberating it feels to just be honest, and trust that, since that is just the right thing to do, it will be alright.
And the thought also occurred -- how many of us are afraid to be public about our own doubts about what we do, what systems we participate in, what choices we make that we wish we wouldn't have to make -- because if we say it too loud we risk losing something? Maybe not a job (we're not there yet), but maybe a sense of standing in our community, or circle of friends, or workplace -- just a little status, or some reputation? My hunch is this fear is more common than we think. It's Stanley Milgram of course, but writing these weekly posts has brought out to me more starkly my own subtle complicity in systems.
So, I will continue to write, even about ideas that might go against the grain even of my own livelihood, in the hopes that honesty and reasonableness are greater pursuits, and that whatever few people may think less of me because they disagree or find my writing objectionable somehow, the gain of authenticity and self-discovery that comes will outweigh those possible costs.
It's brave and refreshing you're making space for this wondering. I, too, am complicit in meritocratic systems and it seems worthwhile to name it and wonder about other possibilities.
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